Innocence

When I was 9 years old, I changed school once again (my mum wanted the best and, apparently, every year there were better schools so I never quite had the chance of making friends), didn’t know a single kid, I was so shy. For some reason, I took an English class for kids younger than I was, and that’s where I met my first friend, my first best-friend, my first “boyfriend.” We would hang out all free-periods, beg our parents for more playtime. I don’t really remember who started it, but after a while, we started holding hands, not knowing that it was socially incorrect. It felt good, nice, warm… we didn’t want to stop doing it.

And of course, not a single minute passed when we did this at school, everyone, and I do mean everyone, threw as many nasty comments as they could. That forced us out of it, the whole friendship. What else could you expect? I was 9 and he was only 8.

Three years later, I had made some friends over the years but it wasn’t till I met Helmet-Head (amazing straight hair) that I went down that same road all over again. He was the new kid, shy as I once had been. I didn’t know why but I needed to be his friend. I introduced him to my friends, started hanging out and six months after I realized I liked him more than I liked my other friends. It didn’t take that long afterwards to finally admit it to myself, I was in love with him (or at least, that’s what I thought love was). I never told him, I didn’t need to, he knew.

The funny thing is… I never thought there was something wrong with me or with what I was feeling. My innocence would prevail, for now.

I still felt something for Helmet-Head alter summer vacations (even though he changed schools) and it was then, when I told someone for the first time I had a crush on a guy. Guess where this is going… yes. I got my first nickname “Porky the gay” (not the cleverest thing, but that’s 13-year-old bullying for you). The whole thing just… it took me a while to realize what “gay” meant and even more to understand that it was wrong to be gay. It still hurts a little when I think about it, my stupid-ass teacher convinced me to go up to the front of the classroom and tell everyone I was just playing, that I was not gay, that I was just testing their friendship.

They quickly got over it... I don't know if I ever did.